Arranged Marriage

All us Indians surely know about arranged marriages. Either you yourself have done it or know of some friend or cousin who has. Here is a really funny and creative conversation piece I came across. It’s hypothetical ofcourse, but so exactly captures the moment.

The Awkward First Phone Call :

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in London. The Boy is doing his residency in Manchester and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl’s aunt’s brother-in-law’s cousin’s uncle’s wife in Leicester. Parenthesis are unspoken thoughts.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she’s home!) Umm, hi! Is this —?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is —. I don’t know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn’t know who I am? I’ll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don’t even know why I’m doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Manchester, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that’s a relief. I wonder what she was told – He’s a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!” God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can’t believe he actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you?(Oh yeah, that’s real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don’t know you, but do you want to be my wife?)

Girl: I’m fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great start…)
Boy: I’m good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you’re an investment banker? (Oh, that’s a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?

Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that’s a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it’s a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)
Boy: So… (Stall ,stall!)

Girl: So you’re doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn’t tell me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this…) Yeah, I’m in my second year.(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink ? So, what you like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm… get wasted…) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in London?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can’t say bars – I’ll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink…) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there’s a couple clubs that are good… (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I’m not really into them…)

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that’s a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn’t do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that’s a good sign. He can’t be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Manchester?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I’ll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further…)Are there any good bars in Manchester?

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I’m not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic – pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he’s so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn’t he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he’s completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean
Girl: (Ok, so he didn’t freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like…) So…
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there’s only one way to find out!)So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I’m visiting some friends in London next weekend and I wonder if you’d want to get together for coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That’s totally safe. If he’s totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee’s pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she’ll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation…) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
Boy: Alright, I’ll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don’t want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don’t want to look like I’m trying not to look too desperate…)

Girl: Cool. Well, I’m glad you called. (I think…)
Boy: Me too. Well, I’ll see you soon. (Please be hot, please be hot!)
Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can’t believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides, maybe he’s cool. He didn’t sound so bad on the phone.
Boy: Bye. (I did it! ..)

Bird Entertainment

Get ready for some smiles all thanks to a bird!

Really Bored?

Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Greener Grass

There’s only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There’s only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.

Husband 1.0

Here is something hilarious that I recently came across. Just too funny!

Installing Husband 1.0 :

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, Nascar 2.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).  Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have  limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You  might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

bear.jpg

Smart older women

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,  
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to spend all my time with a hot 25-year-old blond. Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

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